Adam's Rib: A Potion
by rhyejess
Summary: Sirius is going to do it. Remus is hesitant. Tonks is supportive. Harry doesn't know. Sirius' journey to change his gender, and the effect it has on his relationship with Remus.


Adam's Rib: A Potion

One is not born a woman, one becomes one. ~Simone de Beauvoir, _The Second Sex_, 1949

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><p>The potion was highly illegal. It was permanent and needed to be taken over a very long period of time, but simply being in possession of the ingredients, let alone the brewed potion, could get a wizard sent to Azkaban. Sirius didn't have much call to worry about consequences these days, true. There was not a sentence worse than the one he had already incurred. Still, he ought to know better than- He ought not- He shouldn't- Why-<p>

_Why?_

Remus stared into the simmering cauldron. He'd found it not in the Black attic proper, but in a hidden compartment under the attic. The compartment itself was concealed with a vaguely Dark spell, but then, in Grimmauld Place most things were at least vaguely Dark. Still, as Remus stared at the faint orange cream-textured mixture, it occurred to him that the biggest issue here was neither the fact that Sirius was doing something definitely illegal, nor that it was immoral in the opinion of more conservative wizards and witches than he. Rather, Sirius was doing something most definitely _enormous_ and _permanent_. This was not like adding another tattoo to his collection of multitudes. This was something that could not be overlooked and could never be reversed. Did Sirius understand these things?

Remus understood them all too well. Not _that_ well, he supposed, but he'd been around the block while the world had seemed to stop, waiting for Voldemort's return. Part of the time, the only job he could get was as a re-stocker at an Apothecary in Knockturn Alley. Even there, this potion had passed through the old wizened maker's hands so rarely. Still, Remus knew it well, because this wizard, who hired people without a background check and openly mourned the loss of Voldemort would scoff and mutter demeaning epithets under his breath. Even there, even in Knockturn, those _freaks_were not wanted.

Remus felt his knees weaken and he sat gently to keep from spilling the potion. He at once hated it and loved it. He felt himself harden and his pulse quicken, but couldn't shake the image of toppling over the teasing, testing liquid. How many times had he daydreamed this? How often had he only wished that what he had with Sirius could be as easy as what he had with Tonks now: a warm friendship, a warm bed, and general approval from everyone? Once, long ago, before Knockturn Alley, maybe Remus would have thought of turning the world upside down for the man he just might have been in love with, but since then, much had happened. He no longer had the strength to turn a dinner plate upside down, much less so the world.

Still, he knew what the potion meant, and he went on hating it for all the wrong reasons. "Sirius..." he whispered aloud.

"What?" An abrasive and instantly defensive voice answered from the door.

Remus raised pained, questioning eyes to his last best friend. "Why would you _do_this?"

Sirius paused, taking in the scene, and then a gloom came over his face as he answered, "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"You wouldn't- You don't even get what that is," Sirius pointed to the cauldron under the floor, his face a study in passionate intensity.

"I know exactly," Remus gestured to the cauldron, "What this is. How long have you been on it?"

"'Bout three weeks," Sirius answered, defiant.

"Three... well, that's no so bad, then. You can still reverse it."

"Not going to," Sirius dropped his head and gaze, but Remus couldn't tell whether in shame or fatigue.

"Sirius, you can't do this fool thing for me. The reason you and I- It's not as simple as boys and girls. Think of someone besides yourself for a minute, dammit! Think of Harry! What will he think-"

Something seemed to explode inside Sirius then. His head snapped up and he took a step towards Remus, but he arrested his attack when he noticed how close they were to the precious potion.

"Do _not_ tell me I haven't thought about Harry. I have lost too many nights of sleep over Harry. What he'll think- what everyone will _think_, and say- to me, to him- it's _why_ I've put this off so long, Remus. It has _nothing_to do with you, or with us. Go fuck my cousin, I don't give a damn."

Remus grimaced. How did Sirius know about that?

"This is about _me_. It's nearly killed me, thinking about other people. I'm not going to do it any more."

"You're serious?"

Sirius held Remus's gaze. Remus felt his heart hammer harder.

"Sirius," he started, "I had no idea. How long- I mean, how long have you felt... been _this way_?"

Sirius' voice was suddenly unusually soft as he answered, "Always, Moony. That's how it works." There was fear in his eyes and pleading just inside his lips. Remus saw what Sirius was afraid to show: this could be where their friendship ended. They had gotten through so much, _unbelievably_much, but if Remus couldn't take this one last step to support his friend, they would go no further.

Remus nodded, his mouth dry. Pieces of the puzzle fell into place: Sirius with Lily's lipstick, Sirius drinking himself under the table too many times, the motorbike and the leather pants and the sadness they'd all seen descend with them, Sirius' depression when Lily grew pregnant and Remus and Peter got girlfriends and Sirius, the poof, didn't even have a boyfriend. Even Remus had known that Sirius had tucked it behind a time or two and put on a skirt for a Saturday night out. Those were the late seventies. It was done in certain circles, or so Remus had thought. This was different. This was _permanent_.

"I'm a freak. I know." Sirius shrugged and idly aimed his wand, blowing an empty box into cardboard confetti with an unspoken spell.

Remus bristled and soon found himself on his feet facing Sirius. "Don't- don't you _dare_say that, Sirius. You've clearly forgotten to whom you're speaking."

"Or maybe," Sirius turned large, pale, and sad eyes up at Remus, "You've forgotten what it feels like to be afraid among your friends. Maybe you've forgotten how it feels to be terrified of _who you are_."

Remus Lupin brushed heavily past Sirius as he made for the attic exit. It took everything he had not to lose his cool before he got to his bedroom.

Once in the quiet and cool room, sounds softened by heavy fabrics and heavier woods, Remus could admit to himself that Sirius had a point. Had he not found out Sirius' secret and then- and then _run_from him?

_It's not the same, your reasons weren't out of fear-_

In truth, though, Remus knew that his reasons didn't matter. All Sirius would see was a retreating back, a body that had once been a friend and now was a contentious unknown, a secret un-kept. And Remus _did_know how that felt.

Sirius didn't show for dinner. Everyone wondered why, everyone asked. Harry seemed worried. Molly huffed.

Tonks, though, caught Remus' eyes with her own. Hers were dark and clouded, her brow bent in concern. Only for her, Remus answered the unspoken question: "Sirius and I had a disagreement earlier. I'm sure he just needs some time alone." Tonks did not linger after dinner, but disappeared upstairs. Remus followed soon after and found her in his own room, seated on his bed, idly fingering an old book of his and pouting at nothing.

"What's the matter?" Remus asked her quietly.

"That's a question better addressed to you, I think." She smiled, but there was an artificiality to it.

"I'm fine," Remus shrugged.

"That's not what I asked. Did you- I mean... Remus, what happened between you and Sirius?"

"I told you, we had a disagre-"

"Spare me the bullshit. You found out, didn't you?"

"How-"

"And now he's too embarrassed to leave his damned room." She sighed and flung herself back on the bed.

The very tip of Remus' tongue longed to berate Sirius alternately for both being _like he is_as though it were a choice, and for being embarrassed about something he could not control. Remus held his own counsel and said nothing, needing no reminder that Tonks would easily be able to curse him. She turned to look up at him from the bed, and he saw a depth of pain and emotion in her eyes.

"Of everyone, I thought you would understand. Of everyone, I encouraged him to tell you first, because I thought-"

"I _do_! I do understand." He was saying it as much to keep Tonks' faith as he was for any other reason.

"Do you think he chose this?"

"Well, no. But, he does _have_a choice in whether-"

"Remus John Lupin," she snapped, "Excuse me, maybe I've mistaken something. Did you choose to be a werewolf?"

"I was a child!" Remus was outraged.

"Sirius was younger. He was unborn when his nature, his very self, took this decision from him."

Remus opened his mouth and closed it, then opened it again, "It's hard to believe that-"

"Oh yes, and I find it terribly hard to believe that anyone wouldn't love a night of adventuring as a bloodthirsty beast once a month. Sounds jolly." Her voice was flat, and he wouldn't have had to know her as well as he did to read her anger. "Remus, this is _tearing him apart_. Maybe not flesh- not entirely flesh, though that too, but deeper. I thought you of all people would understand. I'm sorry that there isn't a potion to brew to cure you, but how can you look on Sirius with such... such condemnation when _he does_have one?" Her eyes pleaded with him, the anger gone, once again replaced by an unusual depth of feeling.

Remus' mind's eye flipped back to Sirius in the attic- Sirius' uncharacteristic caution when pacing, hexing, even yelling in the vicinity of the precious cream-orange liquid. _If it were a cure for lycanthropy-_. If it had been his _own_cure, he would have shivered with rage at the thought of reversing the process. No doubt Sirius had been enraged, but also he had been so painfully aware of this next dose on the floor near them.

"My God," Remus rubbed his forehead, seeing for the first time that if their roles were reversed, he would have interpreted his own behavior as the deepest and most profound of betrayals. It was akin to declaring that he didn't want Sirius happy, didn't care, had no sympathy for his best living friend. Best friend ever, in fact.

Remus stood quite suddenly and staggered out of the room, lost in thoughts as his feet followed a half-familiar pathway through the gloomy old house. He presently found himself at Sirius' bedroom door. His own shame and embarrassment raged with his desire to clear the air, and Remus hesitated for a long, painful while. In the end, he did not knock at all. He laid a hand against the door, then dropped his forehead there.

"I love you, Sirius. I always will."

The door opened all too quickly, and Remus nearly fell through. Sirius caught him with a grunt, and Remus struggled to regain his own balance. He wanted to move away. He felt that this Sirius was some new and different Sirius, and the physical contact made him uncomfortable. But he knew this moment was an important one, the instant that would define their friendship through this... adventure on which Sirius was embarking. Thus, instead of retreating, Remus tucked Sirius' head of curly black hair under his chin and whispered, "I am sorry, Padfoot. Forgive me. You mean everything to me."

"You're just saying that," Sirius muttered against his shoulder.

"How can I show it, then?" Remus backed away at last.

Sirius shrugged. "Don't bother. This is my own journey, Moony. I've got to travel alone. I meant what I said; go fuck Tonks."

Remus flinched and then nodded solemnly. "Fair enough. I'm no good at potions, but... well, if you need anything, I'm sure Tonks would be a help."

"She has been," Sirius nodded. By now, Remus had already realized that Sirius and Tonks had been confiding in each other. For how long, he could not say. No one was sharing with _him_. Remus was somewhat surprised to feel a stab of jealousy.

Remus sighed. "Please just tell me what I can do to be the friend you deserve."

Sirius smiled then, and while it was still frightened and sad around the edges, it was happy in the middle. "You are, Moony. I just... really want to be alone for a bit."

"Alright." Remus had been about to leave when Sirius captured him once more in a hug. Sirius had always been the physically attentive kind. This time, though, there was nothing uncomfortable about the hug. It was intensely comforting, in fact, warm and welcome. Remus was comfortable enough that he even let his fears peak though, then:

"This is the first time I've known anybody who has had, um-"

"Me too," Sirius answered.

"I'm terrified."

"Me too," Sirius leaned back to grin up at him.

They hugged one last time before Remus backed out of the room and went to report to Tonks. Only, by the time he caught up with Tonks, he was too lost in thought to be much for conversation. And he was not thinking of Sirius' slow impending transformation, despite the fact that that was probably what he ought to have been thinking of. Instead, he was remembering that Sirius had given him a peck on the cheek when he'd left the room. He suddenly found himself unable to recall whether that was something Sirius had ever done before. The place burned like a warm brand.

That evening, he went out to a library to get books.

"It says here," Remus held the page up, blocking his sight of both Sirius and Tonks, "that it's impolite to call you 'he' anymore." Remus frowned and then immediately wished he could take back the facial expression. He was relieved when he caught Sirius grinning at him mischievously.

"I'm not exactly what they call 'out'," Sirius reminded him. "I think Molly would have a stroke if you both started calling me- doing that."

"She," Remus said softly, oddly disconcerted by Sirius's evasiveness.

"Whatever." Sirius avoided their gazes. Tonks watched with confused fascination.

"Not whatever," Remus said quietly, "'she', you, 'her', Sirius. 'She'. That's where we're going, isn't it?"

"With my luck," Sirius's gaze remained downcast, "I'll be sucked into some mysterious vortex of Death before then." He laughed humorlessly.

"Don't even joke!" Tonks exclaimed.

Remus knew Sirius better than that. "Yes, well, maybe you will, but I'll still be putting 'she' on your memorial. 'Here doesn't lie Sirius Black. She was sucked into a mysterious vortex of Death before her melons came in, but I'm sure they would have been a beautiful set'."

As was Remus's hope, Sirius started giggling then. It was a familiar sound, one he'd known nearly his whole life. Only now did he recognize that there was something intensely girlish to it as well.

"That's it," Sirius laughed, and his face contorted in laughter was even more beautiful than usual. Sirius had always been beautiful. Not handsome, but beautiful. He had ringlets, though he knew a spell to straighten his hair perfectly also. Now, his ringlets bounced into his eyes as he giggled and said, "You only love me for my jugs, Moony, you lech."

Remus, caught off guard in his admiration of Sirius- in his slow realization of the feminine charms that had always been there- nearly spat with laughter. "You haven't got any, Padfoot!"

Sirius pouted. "That only proves my point. Who points that out? Tonks, how rude can he be?"

Tonks laughed as well, and for the first time Remus noticed how like Sirius's laugh her own was.

Remus suddenly feeling hot and uncomfortable, as if the large room were too small for the three of them. "Come on, let's keep on reading," he mumbled.

"You should have been in school with him," Sirius muttered, and Remus could not escape grinning even at that. It was true, he always looked for the solution in books, and he ought to know better than anyone else that books could be rubbish as often as not.

But this time, he didn't think it was rubbish. He knew that really must start thinking of Sirius as a woman. It would be hard, but pronouns were a start, even if he could only use the proper ones in his head.

Remus couldn't sleep. He'd known about Sirius for weeks now, and Sirius had dutifully continued taking his potion. Remus had given up all hope that Sirius would stop taking it, but now he hoped very fervently that Sirius would _not_ stop. In fact, Remus _knew_that Sirius would not stop, and it gave him a sense of rightness. Not because Sirius was changing, but because Sirius was finally standing up for what he- she wanted. It was about damn time.

Remus rolled out of bed and went to the kitchen, thinking that hot tea would help ease his restless thoughts. He poured out some water into a teacup and heated it with a wave of his wand, adding a tea bag. He considered slicing a lemon, and though he did want the lemon in his midnight tea, he decided against it on sheer laziness alone.

And then he recognized the emotion bubbling under the surface of his restlessness: loneliness. He was lonely. He had left a bed warm with the body of Tonks, but he had slept in it lonely, thinking of Sirius. Sirius was doing the biggest thing in hi- her life, and doing it alone. Anyone who thought that Sirius had changed was dead wrong. Sirius had always done whatever he- she dammit- wanted, blazing a way, not caring who understood. It was a mark of how dearly Sirius loved Harry that she cared whether or not Harry would understand.

Remus finished his tea and went back to his own bedroom. His feet hesitated on the stairs, though, and he nearly continued up the stairs to see Sirius. What stopped him was the pronoun. Ironic; the "he" had kept Remus from turning to Sirius romantically in the past, and now the "she" did the same. Remus couldn't sneak into a bedroom with a woman in the middle of the night the way he could with his best mate. He was probably too old for sleepovers anyway.

But he did consider it, and that was enough.

The flames flickered, and the three of them sat drinking Ogden's Brandy and watching the fire dancing in the hearth at Grimmauld Place.

"You will have to tell him soon," Remus said quietly. He was sitting next to Sirius on the plush green sofa. Tonks, in the chair opposite Remus, said nothing. She was plucking at a thread on the cuff of her denims.

"I can't." Sirius hated how afraid her voice sounded. She had never been a fearful person. Growing up, she had fought the wrongness of her body with the belief that she was simply too brave to be a girl. Sirius could thank Lily Evans for disabusing her of the strange notion that women weren't as fierce and brave as men.

"Sirius," Remus whispered, barely audible over the crackle of the fire, "it's starting to show. He'll guess it if you don't say something."

Sirius looked up, eyes meeting Remus's. "I don't think it's really showing." Her gaze flashed to her still-flat chest.

"Not there perhaps," Tonks said, "but on your face, it really is. Remus is right. Well, in saying you should tell Harry, anyway. I'm not sure he _would_guess though. He can be a bit dense."

"Hermione will," Remus interjected.

"Hermione..." Sirius sighed. It was true, Hermione definitely would figure it out, and probably speak to Harry. That is, if she hadn't already.

"How are... other things progressing?" Tonks asked with obvious interest, leaning forward on her chair.

"Other..." Remus blushed. "Do you really think I ought to be here for this conversation?"

Sirius didn't hesitate to answer though. "Really well actually." She sipped from her brandy snifter, and Remus shifted uncomfortably, hoping this conversation was over.

Alas, his hope was in vain. As Sirius launched into a detailed description of her half-formed female genitals, Remus wondered whether he could make an escape without seeming rude or disgusted. He wasn't either, really. In fact, he felt something far, far worse than disgust- he felt arousal blossoming between his legs. He crossed them hastily, hoping desperately that Sirius did not suspect anything.

Finally, Sirius had completed her bawdy expose on how deep or how small everything was becoming, and the three sat in silence for a moment before Remus managed to excuse himself to bed.

He barely made it to the loo in time to express his physical interest in Sirius's new body.

Once again, Remus could not sleep. He felt that he had a lot to think about, and those thoughts buzzed through his mind, upsetting him even in his dreams. Finally, after tossing and turning for several hours, he gave up and decided on his usual remedy- a cup of tea. He stood, careful not to wake Dora, and headed down the stairs.

As Remus turned the final corner that would lead him to the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, he saw that the lights in the kitchen were on. He slowed his approach, wanting to make sure he wouldn't be interrupting anything. He heard voices and slipped closer to the kitchen until he could identify them. The first was easy: Sirius. Her voice had risen a bit in the past months, but it still held its firm cadence and its innate passion, and he would have recognized it anywhere. The second was very quiet, and it took him a moment to realize that it was Harry. He couldn't make out what either of them were saying, but knew well enough to leave them alone. He turned to head back upstairs.

Unfortunately, the old house had other ideas. Just as he turned, the floorboard under his foot gave out a load groan, and the voices in the kitchen stopped short. Remus sighed, knowing he could never make a proper escape now.

A face popped around the kitchen doorjamb. Sirius. "Moony, thank Merlin. I thought you might be Molly or something."

"I didn't hear anything," Remus said, raising his hands.

"Come in for tea?"

Remus shook his head. "I think it's better if I let you two talk."

Sirius's eyes were large and pleading, though, and she whispered, "Please. It's not going well."

Remus had always been susceptible to Sirius's puppy-dog-eyes. He sighed and followed Sirius into the kitchen.

In the light of the kitchen. Remus was able to more clearly see what Sirius was wearing. She had on a long silk nightgown in a deep green color. It must have been her mother's. Sirius's mother had Sirius's same long and slender build, if her portrait was anything to go by. Sirius had been sleeping in her mum's room for months, but Remus had never guessed the extensive wardrobe might have been the reason. The silk seemed to cling to the slight roundness of Sirius's hips, a roundness that Remus had never noticed before. He found himself staring.

Sirius coughed. Remus looked up into Sirius's eyes to see that Sirius had _also_found Remus staring. He shifted nervously under Sirius's amused smile.

Remus cleared his throat and redirected his attention. "Hello Harry," he said with false cheerfulness.

Harry was staring dejectedly into a mug of tea. He gave Remus a perfunctory glance and answered, "'Lo."

A tense silence followed until Sirius interrupted. "Did you want tea, Moony?"

"I can get it," Remus offered, but Sirius was already pouring water and heating it. "Thank you," Remus said quietly. Sirius remembered exactly how he liked his tea, and even took out a lemon and sliced it as well. Remus accepted the hot cup gratefully and sat down across from Harry. Sirius sat at the head of the table cradling his own mug of steaming tea.

"Are you... looking forward to going back to school next week?" Remus asked Harry hesitantly.

"Yeah, guess so," Harry answered.

Remus exchanged a troubled look with Sirius. Sirius shrugged, and Remus turned his attention back to Harry. "Harry, if you ever want to talk... I mean, if you want to talk to me instead of Sirius..."

Harry seemed to jolt back to reality. He looked up and seemed to glare at Remus. "You've known about this all along, have you?" he asked, his voice sharp.

Remus wasn't sure what 'all along' meant. He opened his mouth to answer, but wasn't sure of the right thing to say. Had his coming here in the middle of the night made a tense situation worse? "Harry..." he began tentatively.

Harry sprang to his feet. Remus was expecting an outburst but none came. Instead, Harry grumbled, "It's okay. I'm always the last to know everything." Without further comment, he stormed from the kitchen, leaving a full cup of tea behind.

"That could have gone better," Sirius sighed, rubbing her lined forehead.

"Yes, but it also could have gone worse," Remus assured her. "He seems most upset that he wasn't told earlier."

Sirius shrugged and drank her tea. They sat in silence for a long time, but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. Rather, they were both occupied with their own thoughts. Finally Sirius stood and placed her own and Harry's cups in the sink. "Are you done?" she asked Remus, gesturing for his cup.

Remus nodded. His mind was still burning with thoughts, little brush fires of ideas that threatened to explode into something much more. "I can't sleep anyway," he answered.

"Do you want me to sit up with you?" Sirius asked. "I don't mind," she added hastily.

Remus smiled to himself. "No, it's alright. Go to sleep."

Sirius laid an affectionate hand on Remus's head, ruffling his hair, and then left the kitchen with the silence of a ghost.

Remus sat there until dawn. At some point, his thoughts turned from indecision to determination, but that wouldn't make the necessary discussion with Tonks any easier.

"I'm... I'm not going to be seeing her any more."

Sirius raised her head. "Why? If it's because of me-"

"No! No. It's because of me. I just discovered I have feelings for someone, for another- I can't do that to her." Remus's lips twitched. "Apparently, there is another woman."

A small smile threatened to creep up from the corner of Sirius's mouth. "Not yet. Still flat-chested. It could be years..." The smile pulled down into a frown, and Remus could only guess at the dark thoughts traveling behind Sirius's eyes. He knew Sirius's worst fear: losing Harry. Was that what Sirius was visualizing? _All_she was visualizing? What else did Sirius fear?

"He's a good man, Sirius. He'll come around."

Sirius nodded somewhat sheepishly.

"And so will I. Just give me time. Hell, it's not like I've never held a- well, I'm familiar with the male body, if only with my own."

Sirius barked a sharp laugh. "Was that supposed to be a come-on?"

"Merlin, will it be as hard to convince you to deflower me as it was Sterling Halcombe back in fifth year?"

"Maybe," Sirius laughed and shook her head. "If your idea of a come-on is, 'I think I know the body parts'. Besides..." the dark look returned to Sirius's features, "I'm not... I'm neither here nor there, Moony. It's an uncomfortable place to be."

"Does it hurt?" Remus asked. He had not considered that.

"Well, sure, but that's not what I meant. I mean, when I see myself now... it's almost more difficult being closer and still so far away. I don't feel very attractive at the moment."

Remus sifted the fine black locks- straightened today- away from Sirius's delicate chin. None of these features of Sirius's had changed much, really, but now they made some kind of beautiful sense. Also, was that- yes, Sirius was definitely wearing a trace of perfume. "You have no idea how attractive you are," Remus breathed.

"Flattery will get you nowhere," Sirius said, taking a step back to be out of Remus's immediate reach.

"Fine. You've asked for it." Remus smiled despite the fearful little flutter in his belly. He briefly considered kissing Sirius, but instead he slipped quickly out of the room.

Remus was smiling less coyly when his flower delivery the next day ended up beaten to bits over his head for the mushy card that was attached.

But he got a snog for his trouble anyway.

Remus had been for days expecting at any moment to be hexed into the floor by Tonks for having dropped her so unceremoniously, but when she walked in on this, their rather momentous first snog, she smiled at them conspiratorially. Later that evening by the fire she would tell Remus that she didn't mind. "We weren't _really_a couple. It was just a warm bed, Remus. I hope you've found someone you can be happy with." Remus knew he had.

That night, as Remus slipped into the bed that Sirius already occupied and rubbed a hand over her barely-blossoming chest, he could not deny that certain body parts were happy. But he didn't think he needed that slightly rounded chest. He did know how much it meant to Sirius to look like the woman she had on some level always been, so he couldn't help but be happy for her. He also couldn't deny that he was a tad happy for himself as well; he had always liked a good pair.

Remus, though, was slowly learning that body shape didn't quite matter. Their bodies were flesh and blood- cages. He ought to know, as he'd been trapped in his own since almost before he could remember. And the soul of this person Sirius, this soul of courage and of devotion, was someone he could be happy with, and more.


End file.
